Malaysia, Personal Story

A Letter to You (2)

Hi Dad,
How are you? How was your day? What was your lunch? Where are you now?

Today, as I scroll down our conversation history I realize how often I asked those questions to you.

You know Dad, I miss you.
It’s been 50 days since you left, and I pretty much make myself occupied with a lot of things since then. I jump out of the bed early in the morning, and going back late at night when everyone is already asleep – only to continue the same thing almost every day. I am doing projects, joining competitions, handling events, attending conferences while trying my best to balance it out with my studies. It is not easy to do. I don’t understand what I am thinking, but I thought that maybe by making myself busy I would have less time to miss you.

People say that time heals the pain. I thought by doing so, I can forget that I lose you. But then, later on I found out that it is not true – at least for me. Instead of being completely healed, I am just trying hard to live my life with the pain. Now I promise myself that I’ll take my time. I’m not going to rush the process of me reconciling with the grief. People say that “those who forces time is pushed back by time; who yields to time finds time is on her side.” Maybe it is true.

Earlier today my English Lecturer talked about her struggle being a lecturer. Suddenly I thought of you. If being a lecturer is that hard, I wonder how did you manage to do all those things at the same time – while still trying your best to be the best Dad I’ve ever known.

Now that I am joining a lot more things, I wish I could share the stories with you. I am not really sure if I could win one or two; but if I do, know that part of it is dedicated for you.

Your Little Girl.

A Letter to You is blog post series which is written as part of my personal journey in reconciling with grief. Unlike my other writing, the post will be raw – freshly written and right away posted. No drafting, no editing.


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